Don't Mess With A Girl's Manga!
by SeverNSkull
Summary: Konan leaves for a little while and finds the horrors that occurred in her absence. (I have no idea how or why I wrote this but whatever possessed me, I hope it never comes back!) Another AU spin-off of Naruto's Menma-verse and part of the 'Konan' series.


Finally a long day was over. All the paperwork was done and I'd get to sit and read my manga in my own little world. Oh Kakashi-sensei, how can anyone compare to you?

I was walking back through the labyrinth which was the hideout to my own quarters when I came across a peculiar sight. In the common room, amongst the tan, heavily stained carpet, Hidan, Deidara, and Tobi were laying there reading manga, not just ANY manga, MY manga, MY NARUTO manga.

I was tempted to say something, but at the same time I wanted to see how each male would react to reading it. I hid just around the corner, listening and watching their conversation and reading.

"Hahahaha", Hidan laughed! "Kakuzu completely fucking fell for it!"

"Hidan-senpai, you die too", Tobi stated matter-of-factly.

Hidan jumped up, "What?! I can't die! Take that back you evil fucked up lollipop!" He had that dark, Jashin-will-damn-you-and-eat-your-flesh look on his face as he reached for his retractable pike.

Tobi looked up, "You may want to read instead of just looking through it like a child's picture book." Now that was his normal, handsome voice. My cheeks flushed a little and my heart thumped in my chest with a painful intensity. It felt like my breath was being squeezed out of me.

"Hidan, Tobi, calm down", a different voice chimed in. It was Itachi. How did I not notice 'Itachi Uchiha' in the room? Probably because he was sitting in the plush blue chair in the dark corner by the bookcase like usual.

"This asshole says that 'I' die too, weasel! Jashin made me immortal! I can't die", Hidan snapped at the raven.

"Maybe if you do like Madara said and actually READ the damn book, un", Deidara said while rolling onto his back reading another volume.

"My name is NOT Madara Uchiha", Tobi/Obito said while reading the first volume. He chuckled and turned the page, that low sexy 'Uchiha' chuckle.

Deidara and Itachi both turned to look at the masked man whom was in his normal black wardrobe. He scratched his head and giggled like a schoolgirl. Deidara looked on in horror, Itachi just stared, and Hidan still ranted about Jashin warding off death and killing his enemies.

Hidan, seeming to come out of his rant to join the conversation, jumped in with, "Then who the fuck is under that mask, swirly-faced bastard?" How subtle! Then again, this is Hidan.

"It's a secret", he said lifting a finger to the place on his mask where his lips would be. "I'm still an Uchiha though!" Then all hell broke loose as all three of the younger males piped in.

"Jashin fucking damn it", Hidan swore loudly.

"You mean I was put in the same team with a bloody Uchiha, un?! This is outrageous, un", Deidara said in shock, even though he had already gotten to the part where the masked man claimed to be the Uchiha clan founder.

"Uncle Obito", Itachi said cautiously even though the other men ignored him like usual. If you didn't know him as well as I did - as a fan girl NOT a stalker like Obito and Deidara - you wouldn't have noticed the slight shock on his face.

'Tobi' only seemed to acknowledge Deidara's statement, "Yup, but only in the anime and manga! Doesn't Konan-chan have nice collection, senpai?"

"Stop calling me senpai, un", Deidara shrieked. "You're still 'obviously' older than me, un!"

Itachi was reading through his book quickly with his Sharingan on to help him speed-read. After which he looked up and smirked at Deidara. This was NOT going to end well! My poor manga! I hope they don't get charred to a crisp!

"Looks like you're fated to be surpassed by Sharingan users, Deidara", Itachi stated giving the blond a smoldering look.

"Hey! Hey, un! 'I' killed Gaara by myself, un! I beat not just a jinchuriki, but the KAZEKAGE you sorry Uchiha, un", Deidara growled. Even one of his palm-mouths hissed.

"Technically", Tobi/Obito cut in, "WE killed him by extracting the bijuu from him. You just beat him, but of ALL the members, you sustained the most damage." The older Uchiha grew silent for a moment. "That must have looked pretty bad on your part, and you also let your partner die with your ignorance", he whispered.

Deidara lunged at the masked man to strangle him, but fell through on his face, with his rear in the air. "Damn Uchihas and their Sharingan, un", the blond grumbled into the carpet.

"That's Mangekyo Sharingan to you", Tobi mocked him.

Completely off topic - but likely inspired by his perverted mind and Deidara's position - Hidan gasped to himself, "I wonder if the bitch has hentai in her room?" That sorry son-of-a-b-, if he goes back into my room, I'll have to kill him!

The Jashinist laughed and started heading my direction towards 'my' room. I had to do something! As he came closer I used a jutsu to turn into paper and tied him up with origami ropes. I know that sounds weak like Naruto-verse Sakura before the chuunin exams, but they're reinforced with yin-yang chakra and can hold a full grown rhinoceros on a rampage. Go origami power!

I was pissed off. The glint of evil and spite glistened in my eyes. I had just the right punishment for this dobe!

Hidan struggled in his binds and began yelling at me, "What the f-"

I covered his mouth with a sheet of paper. "BWAHAHA! Eat yaoi lemons you sorry bastard", I whispered evilly shoving sheets from a paper copy of 'Body Buddy' into his mouth. (It's a Kakuzu and Hidan doujinshi. I can message you the link.)

Hidan grunted and struggled frantically, trying to choke up the pages stuffed in his cheeks.

I smiled proudly at my handiwork and patted the Jashinist's head. "That ought to shut you up!" I turned to peak around the corner at the three men.

"What the heck was that, un", Deidara asked.

"Body Buddy", Tobi uttered in a barely audible voice and looked straight at me before looking back at the book in front of him.

I held back snickers as Hidan muttered obscenities through the porn in his mouth. Oh Obito, you know me so well!

"Hn", Itachi said glancing back at the brooding, now straightened up Deidara. "How's it feel to be forever in our shadow, 'Deidara'?" He was pretty much asking for a fight.

"Shut up, Itachi! One day, I'll beat you and then I'll kill you, un", Deidara hissed.

Tobi giggled. "Oh senpai! You're 'so' funny! Tell Tobi another joke", the brunette said kicking his legs with hands propping up his chin like a teenage girl.

"Piss off, Tobi, un", Deidara snarled standing with his fists curled, trying to look threatening. "I'll blast you into the next hell, un!"

Itachi smirked again, "Deidara, you couldn't even hit him. How do you expect to use your clay on him?"

"No one asked you, un! At least I didn't get killed by my own kin", the shorter of the three barked back.

"No, but that's because YOU failed to kill him and blew yourself up", Tobi said holding back snickers.

Itachi glared at Tobi, "Although that fact is true, leave Sasuke out of this." He stood and dramatically put a hand over his heart, "Sasuke is the only person in my life that means more to me than life itself. I love him." His eyes seemed to sparkle.

Deidara cringed in either jealousy or disgust or both. It was hard to tell. "Does this mean you're admitting to the Uchiha incest rumors, un", Deidara asked, still cringing.

Itachi glared, "Do I have to bring up the fact you call Sasori, 'Danna'?"

"SASODEI..." an ominous voice sounded.

"What the heck was that, un", Deidara asked looking around.

Itachi shrugged.

"Maybe we should bring up uke Deidara-senpai and Akatsuki harem", Tobi said shuddering.

Itachi and Deidara just glared.

"I'M NOT A UKE, UN", Deidara screamed.

"Or you're in extreme denial, brat", Sasori stated after appearing from seemingly nowhere.

Deidara pouted. "Sasori no Danna! They're mocking me, un", the blond whined.

Sasori walked calmly over to the blond, careful navigating around the stacks of manga. He had a book in his hand and all of a sudden, WHAM! He smacked the blond in the face with 'Naruto' volume 31.

Itachi and Tobi watched with amusement.

"What the hell, Danna', un", Deidara screamed, holding his reddened, soon-to-bruise cheek after he fell to the ground.

Sasori pointed the manga at him. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT", the puppet said in a low brooding voice through barred teeth.

"What are you talking about, hmm", Deidara said curiously.

"You caused my death by disobeying my orders, Leader-sama's orders, brat", the puppet went on. "Thanks to you, I was killed by an utterly USELESS character... and my granny", he added the last name softly.

"B-but, Danna...", Deidara trailed off with puppy dog eyes.

Sasori frowned more prominently and kneeled, grabbing the front of the blond's black tank top. It was hard to hear them but I made out most of it. "Listen here you, because you're an arrogant shit, every man in this room, me included is going to have some fun with you, brat", the redhead said and proceeded to kiss the blond teen.

Okay, I lied! 'That' didn't happen because I didn't actually hear Sasori but after a moment chaos ensued and Deidara and Sasori were destroying the living room - A-FUCKING-GAIN as Hidan would say - and who was the victim of this assault? Not any of the boys; me! They were destroying my manga!

"Senpai! Sasori-san! Don't fight", Tobi squeaked in panic. It's funny how someone as badass and sexy as Obito Uchiha could be such a retarded spaz.

I stomped into the room where Tobi was now trying to restrain the two shinobi as they fought each other on a stage set of my precious books. Itachi just looked on worriedly and somewhat annoyed, until he felt the dark chakra radiating off of me.

"YOU STUPID IDIOTS! YOU JUST DESTROYED EVERY ISSUE OF NARUTO I OWNED!"

Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi looked at me in shock and confusion.

"Ah Konan-chan", Tobi said nervously, "Tobi didn't do it!" He ran and glom onto me. "I'm sorry Konan. We were curious", he whispered in his normal voice, but I ignored the tantalizing voice.

Itachi started to walk off, "Itachi Uchiha! Stop. Right. There. You're guilty as well!" He froze and turned to face my accusing finger pointing at him. He had volume 63 in his hand. At least he salvaged one!

Rage tore through me as all four men attempted to run off. Once again, I used my paper jutsu to tie up two of the four.

Things flew left and right and I passed out papercuts like candy. The four men struggled to get away. There were explosions and destroyed puppets and charring flames about the room. The five of us were in tattered, torn clothes after the fight, in which Deidara and Sasori both lost their shirts and were in shredded pants, Itachi just had a few tears in his black Uchiha shirt but his cloak was destroyed, I had lost my cloak and was standing there in an outfit which showed a generous amount of skin and highlighted my bust, and Tobi's - Obito's - right eye was showing and he had a nosebleed pouring out from under his mask.

"Oi! I'm not into S&M kink, un! How many times do I have to explain this, un", Deidara cried out.

*FORESHADOW!*

"Shut up, brat. You got us into this", Sasori snapped.

"Both of you shut up! You both destroyed my manga", I hissed and turned to Tobi. "I pissed at you", I gestured towards him, "for stepping on my manga and not stopping them." Then my fiery, spite-filled gaze sat on Itachi who just sat there on the floor next to the masked man under my foot. "And you. YOU did nothing Itachi."

He looked up sadly at me, almost pleading to be let off the hook.

"RUN ITACHI, UN", Deidara screamed struggling against his binds, biting the bit around his wrists with sharp pearly white teeth.

"What are you going to do, Konan-san", Itachi asked in his plain monotone.

I had to think about that. There was literally NOTHING I could do to harm Itachi unless I kidnapped Sasuke and held a kunai to the boy's throat, but I did have something in mind for the others.

"Well Itachi, there's nothing I 'can' do to you, unless you let me; I don't even think Leader-sama can tame you if you didn't want to be, BUT I'll tell you what's in store for the other four."

"What four, Konan-chan", Tobi asked.

"Hidan's tied up in the hallway with limes shoved down his throat", I stated with a sadistic glow in my eyes.

Tobi shuddered fearfully, Sasori just stared blankly, Itachi sighed softly and suddenly found the floor interesting; it was Deidara that put up the most fight. Apparently, he knew what 'limes' were, and no, I'm not referring to citrus; I'm referring to that yaoi comic I stuffed into that pervert's mouth.

The blond started thrashing and screaming, "Oi! Help, un! She's going to rape me and my mind with cheaply written porno, un! She's going to sell me as a sex slave, un! SAVE ME!" Trust Deidara to blow things out of proportion.

~XxxX~

"Hmm, my Kakuzu-senses are tingling", the tall dark-skinned, stitched man said. A few tentacles had branched out and were tracking the source of the word 'sell' which meant he would get 'money' and 'money' was good. It was the only thing dependable in this world.

He stopped in his wandering and came across his frantic idiot-for-a-partner trying frantically to escape a bunch of paper ropes. He crouched down. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Mumph fus meat muff! Mef tifph meph fup!" He struggled frantically until he spit out the paper in his mouth. "I GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! THAT CRAZY BITCH SHOVED GAY PORN DOWN MY DAMN THROAT AND NOW SHE'S GOING TO RAPE US AND SELL US OFF! How can I make a sacrifice to Jashin as an underground sex slave, huh?! How the fuck is THAT supposed to work?!"

Kakuzu just stared at the Jashinist until Konan came out dragging Tobi with her.

Her eyes showed a certain sadist pleasure in them. "You're coming with me", she growled ominously. She began dragging the unfortunate albino into the room, writhing and screaming.

Kakuzu just looked on trying to register what had just happened. 'As long as it doesn't cost me anything, I don't care', he thought as he walked off. 'They're all crazy.'

~XxxX~

So because I'm lazy and want this to be done and over with, I'll just sum it up.

Konan sat on the couch, happily typing on her laptop and uploading photos of how she tortured her team mates. Itachi was sitting beside her casually, his eyes glued to the four other males.

"Jashin-fucking-dammit! A maid? Seriously Konan", Hidan snarled. He was in a ruffly maid outfit, stockings and all. It had a corset and a paper hat tied on with a bow and he was being forced to dust the various knick-knacks and books in the Akatsuki common room.

"At least you aren't wearing this, un! This leather feels weird in 'places', un", Deidara said as he sat on his knees, polishing the floor. He was in leather shorts with straps over his shoulders to hold them up. He had a pair of black kitty ears on a headband and a tail clipped onto the back of his shorts. He also wore a spiked leather collar and arm-warmers as accessories.

"Tell us again how you 'aren't' into S&M, brat", Sasori said across the room, also polishing the floor in a glittered hot pink princess dress with a tiara. It had a huge bow on the back and was in a classic 1800's European style.

"Shut the hell up, Sasori-no-Danna! I don't see you looking as manly", Deidara yelled.

"Less talky. More worky, boys", I said looking over my laptop. I noticed Itachi observing them all because after all, I had him choose the outfits. He wasn't out of the line of fire though because he just so happened to be wearing an open white shirt, dark violet pants, and a purple rope belt; an exact replica of Sasuke's outfit from the deepest recesses of my closet. Yeah... I'm an otaku. Don't tell Pein!

A masked man in a tutu over a pink body suit came up with a tray and danced over like a ballerina, somehow without spilling a drop of tea. "Tobi feels pretty!"

The other men stared at him. Obito made such a cute idiot. They could hate him all they wanted, but to me, he was adorable.

He walked over the rest of the way and set the tea cups and dango down gently on the coffee table. "Sorry Konan-chan," he whispered softly as he passed me.

Again with that suffix! Ugh! It wrenched my heart to be malicious towards him as a sweet idiot, so I guess I'll have mercy on him, but the rest of them? These pictures were going to be all over the Naruto fan-base by dawn.


End file.
